take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
