I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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