Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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