dude i'm inner monologue high
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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