my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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