I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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