party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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