I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Randomize
