haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
