So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
