I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
