Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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