She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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