dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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