So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
