Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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