I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
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