Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
