If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
