maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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