I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I need to calm my uterus...
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
