I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize