Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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