so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
