I faked an abortion last night.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
