Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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