I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
