please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
