I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
