Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
