Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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