I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
