ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
