The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
