your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
