I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
