Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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