I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Randomize
