he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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