so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
