I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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