: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
