Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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