Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i just sent this text using only my big toe
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
