omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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