And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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