Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I think I have vodka in my lungs
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
