You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
