i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
