Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
