He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
