Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
