How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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