Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
