I am spending my child support on dildos
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
