drinking out of a sandbucket again
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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