Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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